16 Totally Lame Singaporean Jokes Only Locals Will Understand

(This is what you call a prawn without legs) Credit: From SGAG’s FB Page

SGAG ran a Facebook contest recently, asking its fans to submit lame SG-related jokes. Sure, some people posted stuff they found on the Internet (and which had absolutely nothing to do with SG) but others managed to follow the instructions and there were some pretty funny entries in the end. But first, this one’s the winning entry, from a FB user called Jimmy Lim:

Rice, Pasta and Mee kena called up for NS and they all wanted to defer. When all 3 of them wrote in, only Mee was granted the deferment.

Why?

Coz Mee Siam.

~ And here are the rest of the ‘good’ lame jokes I read, and which might send a chilly wind blowing past you soon. ~

After their date, Ah Beng and Ah Lian walked to the bus stop. She saw her bus arriving and dashed to catch it, leaving Ah Beng behind. As the bus doors opened, Ah Lian looked back to see Ah Beng desperately miming a steering wheel – he’ll drive her home instead. Ah Lian responded by repeatedly pointing to her boobs and then at her head. The bus sped off.

Later that night, Ah Beng angrily called Ah Lian for an explanation: ‘Why you never wait?!’

To which she replied, ‘Huh, where got? I already told you “neh-mind, neh-mind” what!’

~

A Russian, an Ethiopian and a Singaporean were being surveyed by the World Bank. The question was “What is your opinion on how much money you spend on food?”

The Ethiopian asked, “What is food?”

The Russian asked, “What is money?”

The Singaporean asked, “What is an opinion?”

~

Interviewer: Name me 3 fruits starting with the letter “A”.

Singaporean: “APPLE”

Interviewer: Good, next

Singaporean: um…. “APRICOT”
Interviewer: Good, last one
Singaporean, thinking for a while, says “ANG MOH TAN”

~

Ah Beng and Ah Kow went travelling. After checking in to the hotel and putting down their luggage in their room, they took the lift back down. But when they looked at the buttons, they couldn’t find the floor labelled 0. Instead it was G 1 2 3 4 5 and so on. They didn’t know how to get to the ground floor.

After much head scratching, Beng pressed G, and bingo, the lift took them to the ground floor. Kow was impressed. “Wah Beng, how you know which one to press?” Beng replied, “G for Gero mah”

~

One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.

However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn’t differentiate between them.

However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, “Heil Hitler!”

At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, “Clean that up!”

~

So one day this aunty overheard this conversation on a bus:

Wife: 今晚回去有没有做爱啊? (Tonight got make love not)
Husband: 有啦有啦! (Got got)

The aunty was so shocked- since when Singaporean so open minded? That is, until that night, she heard the opening song from the TV series- “爱”

~

“Kak, here a fax. Yusof Ishak Uncut Sheet”
She looked at me stunned. “How dare you? And its our President”
“What?” Really had no clue what she was shocked about.
“Just because the person no longer around cannot make jokes like that”
“Huh?”
“You just said Yusof Ishak Angkat Shit”
I said “Yeahlah. Yusof Ishak Uncut Sheet” showing her the fax.
“Oh uncut sheet”

~

Why doesn’t LHL work in the mornings?
Cos he PM

~

what kind of ghost walk backwards?
.
.
.
.
ah tan’s ghost
cause ghost tan

~

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused.

The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain, being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her – “You tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE. Tell the British this is an HONOUR. Tell the French this is a ROMANTIC activity, and tell the Germans this is the LAW. Tell the Japanese this is an ORDER, and everyone will be sorted out.”

The stewardess remembered the flight had some passengers from India and Singapore too. “What about them”, she asked.

The captain laughed. “Easy. Just tell the Indians this activity is FREE.”

“And what about the Singaporeans?”, she persisted.

The captain, taking a deep breath, patiently explained –
“You need not tell the SIngaporeans anything, my dear. Once they see a QUEUE, they will join it without questions.”

~

Which is the most inaccesible place in Singapore? Kent Ridge.

~

Which mrt station was a teletubby?
Expo.

~

One day, bread and kopi had an argument. Who won?

Bread won. Because when breadtalk, kopitiam.

~

What do you call a samosa that went to Universal Studios Singapore? Sentosa.

~

Question: Which local dish is the heaviest?

Answer: Wanton Mee (One Tonne Mee)

~

Which MRT station is the oldest?
Pioneer.

~

Do you have a very lame Singaporean joke to share? Let me know. 😀

Happy National Day in advance!~